Before the beans were spilled : 6 weeks pregnant.

I wrote this little diddy nearly 6 weeks ago, just wanting to start jotting down thoughts about this pregnancy.  The pictures are oldies, but goodies. 

At this point the secret it out to you all – BUT I just had to start writing down my feelings and what I am going through this pregnancy, because seriously, it is a whirl wind of emotions that I never want to forget.

Fellow mama’s have heard it before, “Oh, you’ll forget about the pain the second that baby is born” “Everything melts away” And it is true, well, 50% true.  But I find myself trying to pin point certain milestones in the boys pregnancies and my memory tank is on low … like, complete low.  Which bums me out that I did not journal their pregnancies, nor take any belly shots.  So this sweet amazing gift will be documented the whole way through and I sure hope that doesn’t bore you a bit.

It will be my memory catalog for years to come 🙂

I sit here, 6 weeks pregnant counting my lucky stars that we will hopefully make it past the point of miscarriage like we did our last pregnancy.  I am just simply aching for that first ultrasound, to see a healthy baby, a superb heart beat and be given that boost of confidence that I need oh so badly right now.  Our family has no idea … which is SO difficult.  It is almost stressful not saying anything just yet, simply because I wear my heart on my sleeve and tell everyone, everything.

Let’s take you back to the start of this all ….

We’ve talked a TON since the miscarriage about trying again.  For a while the timing just wasn’t right.  We had other things to tend to (sick kids, moving, adjusting etc).  Suddenly, this summer it was just like the last missing puzzle piece.  Every last drop of the “talking” just fit — it was no longer a question of “should we?” it was more of the question, “when can we start!?” We had a few things to check off of our list before we were to jump on baby making train, and we were so excited and terrified to start this journey all over again.

For those who have miscarried know all to well.  The second that test turns positive, the joy, the happy tears just rush through you and your spouse.  You know the due date, you schedule your first appointment, you talk about everything you need and names that you like.  It’s a total high.  When you miscarry, lord, you realize how quickly something can just be stripped from you.  With or without warning, it is just an awful experience.  You have to let go of it all — the plans, the hopes … it just all dissipates.

I knew we were risking miscarrying again when we started trying, but I just simply had to remain optimistic.  Barely a few weeks after trying I knew all to well that something was going on.  My period was not due for an entire week, but I was SO nauseas I could hardly stand it.  I began to worry that perhaps it had something to do with my bowel obstruction (1 month earlier) but the way I was feeling, the extreme sickness and the high + low rollercoaster of emotions I was feeling …

I just had to know.

I ran to the drug store at 3:00 in the afternoon, knowing all to well you are supposed to test in the morning, your first pee.  On top of that WAIT till a missed period, at least. I felt SO foolish for wanting to pee on a stick — but I knew I needed to get it out-of-the-way because if it was not pregnancy, I needed to get to the doctors stat because my nausea was out of this world.  (Never had it like this with the boys, if it all)

I came home, dan was working on school work and the boys were playing nicely in their rooms.  I peed.  I waited not even a minute to look onto the window sill where it was sitting and see the strongest, darkest positive sign I have ever laid my eyes on! I was shaking, I wanted to scream, I would have peed myself from excitement if I hadn’t just gone 🙂

I walked into the room where Dan was and said “These stupid tests, ya know.  I feel these strong symptoms, get my hopes up and it’s still negative” Dan quickly replied, knowing it was all to early and I always get too anxious “Seriously babe, why do you even waste the money”  I ran so quickly over to his desk and slapped it done in front of him exclaiming “BECAUSE WE ARE! WERE HAVING A BABY!!!”

He looked SO stunned, so shocked, so happy all in one adorable expression.  We hugged, we kissed and did not shut up for the next hour or so talking about it all.  I could not believe I tested positive at 3 weeks – in the middle of the afternoon at that.  The boys both took 5-6 weeks to turn positive.  I was in a state of shock.  I cried, we laughed, I just wanted to shout it from the rooftops.

That after all of this time, pushing it off, all of the sadness we went through before, it was just completely meant to be.  We prayed SO hard to be blessed with another baby, and still as I type this cannot believe we have been.

Family of five watch out 🙂

Over the past 3 weeks it has definitely been a struggle … obviously, keeping my mouth shut during family parties and to friends and family is SO difficult.  But, my “morning” sickness hits me right as I open my eyes and lasts to the wee hours of the night.  Leaving me feeling like I am going to puke at any second of the day.  My boobs hurt like none other, and already growing (which Dan is thrilled).  It has been so intense these past 3 weeks already, which makes it even more real.  I’ve had bad cramping on and off, pelvic and back which just terrified me.  I was convinced some days I was just waiting to miscarry.

My OBGYN had me come in and do blood work and a urine sample to test for a UTI just incase.  Urine was fine, and my HCG in my blood work was high for 5 weeks along.  She asked if I was sure I wasn’t further along, and I was positive.  A girl does not forget the date of her last period when she happened to be wearing white pants that day.  So she did not say anything further …but I’ve looked up a few things.  High hcg can simply mean a healthy pregnancy (love it) or testing early like I did, in the afternoon, along with high hcg can mean multiples ( oh boy), or a little lady.  Honestly, we just pray for a healthy baby.  We would be stoked to add another little gentleman to our bunch just as much as a new little miss.

Either way, by the time I post it I will know what it means.

(EDIT : one baby 🙂 just rockin’ my world with morning/all day sickness)

All we ask and pray for is a healthy addition to our family … You guys, really, I feel so nostalgic just thinking about it 🙂

Just look at this big ol’ belly just a day before being induced with Owen … and Brody’s baby face …